you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
