My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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