I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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