Swine flu. Run for my life!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
