I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
