i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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