oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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