This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
