Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
