i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think your dad took our porno
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
