guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
