Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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