That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
