So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
