it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
