i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
