Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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