i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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