I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
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My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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