OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
