I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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