im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
