i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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