I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
