70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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