The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
