Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
