Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
