apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
