I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
