im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just had sex on a roof
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
