i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
