I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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