then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
