i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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