I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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