I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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