Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
