did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
