i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
