My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
