i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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