Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
