Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
