boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He has the fingertips of a God
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