Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
