I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I accidentally burped into my bong.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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