He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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