I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
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you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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