No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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