im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
