why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
