Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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