ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have aggressive nipples.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
