He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
